[The words are easy, like a sigh, and what Naruto means is I know why you're telling me it's okay. How long have they been living this way? How many sacrifices have they seen made, how many have they made themselves because of the shinobi way? The words had come from his own mouth more than once, about what it means to endure- but the more he sees of his friends here the more he questions it. Is this what remaking the world was supposed to be like? And if so- why does it look so much like the old one? Couldn't they change this part too? A few hours from now he'll be speaking to Sasuke and talking about Sarada then too. He'll say that there weren't supposed to be any more lonely children. He'll wonder at how they can call it a better future when they're trading the happiness of their families for peace.]
But in my heart, I feel like you've been saying words like that for a long time.
[ Sakura is silent for a while after that, simply because she has no idea what to say. He's confronting her with uncomfortable truths, things she has known but never really acknowledged, and the funny thing is it isn't even a confrontation at all. It only feels like one because, with Sarada, it always was. She lost her temper with the girl over it once, and she still regrets it. Sarada had every right to her resentment. ]
I've had it better than most.
[ Her husband may have been gone for over a decade, but at least she knew he was alive. At least her parents were alive. Sarada has only ever known one side of her family; the other is full of ghosts.
[Naruto doesn't deflate so much as his weight moves- rolling from one point to another in an extended exhale.]
Why's it gotta be a competition'attebayo?
[With his cheek still pressed to the crown of her head he can see the city beyond with perfect clarity. There are lanterns down there, a din of voices and shadows moving through the crowd. Are they celebrating, he wonders, or mourning? He hasn't kept count of how long he's been in Caissa, but he still doesn't feel like he belongs. It doesn't matter, nothing will ever be Konoha.]
Sasuke told me once that I couldn't understand his pain because I didn't have a family, cause I was alone from the start.
[As painful as the memories from that fight are, they're some of the ones that he holds on to the hardest. Back then Naruto hadn't known how to reply. There hadn't been anything to say, they ran out of words. He found a similar silence when confronted by Pein. Even in another world here he is, wondering about the cycle of hatred.]
If we're gonna change the shinobi world and make a place where people can truly understand each other, then I don't think we can decide things like that anymore. Your pain's different from mine, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
[ Sakura finally picks her head up then, mostly in surprise, to look at him. ]
That's not —
[ — what I meant, but it dies in her throat. It may not have been what she meant, but it's still basically what she said, isn't it?
She hadn't really known what was said at the Valley of the End. How do you begin to ask that question? It seems too personal, too private, something she can't touch and isn't sure she wants to. Like Sasuke's genjutsu at the end of the war. Like a confession she hoped, in vain, would steer Naruto off a course she thought could only end badly. She was wrong on both counts. It doesn't shock her that Sasuke said it, though. They were all too good at hurting each other back then.
Sakura takes a long inhale, pauses, and then it all comes out in a rush. Stalling, perhaps. Trying to put words to feelings she has long since stopped trying to define, for her own sake if nothing else. ]
I'm not ashamed. I missed Sasuke while he was gone, but it didn't hurt as much as it could have, because I had her.
[ She had a breathing reminder of why every sacrifice was worth it. ]
But now... I don't know how to explain it, Naruto. I'm her mother, I should be there for her and I can't be.
[Even if she could find the words, she's probably right- it might be the kind of thing that can only really be understood by a mother for her child. Naruto remembers what it felt like to be embraced by his own, how strong her arms had felt around him. How sure she'd seemed when he'd felt so lost.
How many times had she wanted to reach out to him? There were so many experiences that she wanted to be there for, so many things she missed.]
I bet your mom probably felt like that too. When you were away on missions and doing really dangerous stuff. I bet she wanted to be there for you too.
[ Her mother had just enough knowledge of how things worked to know what danger her daughter was putting herself in. It must be a little bit like how she felt hearing that Sarada had taken the Chuunin exam: proud, confident in her abilities, and worried all the same.
They're still touching. Shoulder to shoulder and hip to hip, elbows against the railing. The not yet finished wine glass sits, forgotten, by one arm. Sakura pulls back just far enough to tuck the other under and around his. ]
It's not your fault you didn't know. [ That she was missing so acutely. ] I wasn't telling anyone.
[ Maybe there are things she is a little ashamed of. ]
[Even the way he says it, light as a laugh, Naruto knows it's not a real answer. There would always be things between them- not secrets necessarily, but. From what he's seen of the others that made up the Konoha 11, no one else had really been like Team 7. They lined up differently. They pushed too hard and held on too tight.]
I always thought, that made us kinda like a family, yanno?
[It isn't regret that tinges his voice, just the warmth of familiarity- fondness.]
I'm sorry you miss her so much. But I know this part for sure; even though you're apart, and even though she might not be able to see you, as her mom you're still there for her. It's just in a different way.
Oh... Maybe that doesn't make much sense. I'm always such a poor talker.
I only meant, when I met my mom, that's when I realized that even when I missed her the most she'd been there the whole time. I've got her legacy in me. Back home, Sarada's got yours too.
But... I haven't had much family to talk to about it, either. Sasuke's mission was top secret; I couldn't tell anyone where he was or what he was doing. It was hard enough trying to keep it classified with Sarada asking me where her dad is all the time.
[ That is regret in her voice. If she could go back, she might have done things differently. She might have told Sarada the truth sooner. She might have insisted he come home when he could. Knowing that she was doing what she thought was right at the time... isn't much consolation.
She listens quietly as Naruto continues. It does make sense, in a way she hadn't considered. Eventually, she lays her hand over his. ]
I don't think you ever told me about your mother.
[ This is a little bit of a lie. He has in her time. It's just that this one hasn't. There's an implicit invitation there. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[The words are easy, like a sigh, and what Naruto means is I know why you're telling me it's okay. How long have they been living this way? How many sacrifices have they seen made, how many have they made themselves because of the shinobi way? The words had come from his own mouth more than once, about what it means to endure- but the more he sees of his friends here the more he questions it. Is this what remaking the world was supposed to be like? And if so- why does it look so much like the old one? Couldn't they change this part too? A few hours from now he'll be speaking to Sasuke and talking about Sarada then too. He'll say that there weren't supposed to be any more lonely children. He'll wonder at how they can call it a better future when they're trading the happiness of their families for peace.]
But in my heart, I feel like you've been saying words like that for a long time.
That you're always missing someone.
i'm still dead
I've had it better than most.
[ Her husband may have been gone for over a decade, but at least she knew he was alive. At least her parents were alive. Sarada has only ever known one side of her family; the other is full of ghosts.
What does she have to complain about, really? ]
I'm alright, Naruto.
resurrects you for more pain ig?
Why's it gotta be a competition'attebayo?
[With his cheek still pressed to the crown of her head he can see the city beyond with perfect clarity. There are lanterns down there, a din of voices and shadows moving through the crowd. Are they celebrating, he wonders, or mourning? He hasn't kept count of how long he's been in Caissa, but he still doesn't feel like he belongs. It doesn't matter, nothing will ever be Konoha.]
Sasuke told me once that I couldn't understand his pain because I didn't have a family, cause I was alone from the start.
[As painful as the memories from that fight are, they're some of the ones that he holds on to the hardest. Back then Naruto hadn't known how to reply. There hadn't been anything to say, they ran out of words. He found a similar silence when confronted by Pein. Even in another world here he is, wondering about the cycle of hatred.]
If we're gonna change the shinobi world and make a place where people can truly understand each other, then I don't think we can decide things like that anymore. Your pain's different from mine, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
You shouldn't be ashamed of that, Sakura-chan.
i die, i live, i die again
That's not —
[ — what I meant, but it dies in her throat. It may not have been what she meant, but it's still basically what she said, isn't it?
She hadn't really known what was said at the Valley of the End. How do you begin to ask that question? It seems too personal, too private, something she can't touch and isn't sure she wants to. Like Sasuke's genjutsu at the end of the war. Like a confession she hoped, in vain, would steer Naruto off a course she thought could only end badly. She was wrong on both counts. It doesn't shock her that Sasuke said it, though. They were all too good at hurting each other back then.
Sakura takes a long inhale, pauses, and then it all comes out in a rush. Stalling, perhaps. Trying to put words to feelings she has long since stopped trying to define, for her own sake if nothing else. ]
I'm not ashamed. I missed Sasuke while he was gone, but it didn't hurt as much as it could have, because I had her.
[ She had a breathing reminder of why every sacrifice was worth it. ]
But now... I don't know how to explain it, Naruto. I'm her mother, I should be there for her and I can't be.
i'll witness u
How many times had she wanted to reach out to him?
There were so many experiences that she wanted to be there for, so many things she missed.]
I bet your mom probably felt like that too. When you were away on missions and doing really dangerous stuff. I bet she wanted to be there for you too.
ah......................
[ Her mother had just enough knowledge of how things worked to know what danger her daughter was putting herself in. It must be a little bit like how she felt hearing that Sarada had taken the Chuunin exam: proud, confident in her abilities, and worried all the same.
They're still touching. Shoulder to shoulder and hip to hip, elbows against the railing. The not yet finished wine glass sits, forgotten, by one arm. Sakura pulls back just far enough to tuck the other under and around his. ]
It's not your fault you didn't know. [ That she was missing so acutely. ] I wasn't telling anyone.
[ Maybe there are things she is a little ashamed of. ]
no subject
[Even the way he says it, light as a laugh, Naruto knows it's not a real answer. There would always be things between them- not secrets necessarily, but. From what he's seen of the others that made up the Konoha 11, no one else had really been like Team 7. They lined up differently. They pushed too hard and held on too tight.]
I always thought, that made us kinda like a family, yanno?
[It isn't regret that tinges his voice, just the warmth of familiarity- fondness.]
I'm sorry you miss her so much. But I know this part for sure; even though you're apart, and even though she might not be able to see you, as her mom you're still there for her. It's just in a different way.
Oh... Maybe that doesn't make much sense. I'm always such a poor talker.
I only meant, when I met my mom, that's when I realized that even when I missed her the most she'd been there the whole time. I've got her legacy in me. Back home, Sarada's got yours too.
no subject
[ Teammates. Family, in a way. ]
But... I haven't had much family to talk to about it, either. Sasuke's mission was top secret; I couldn't tell anyone where he was or what he was doing. It was hard enough trying to keep it classified with Sarada asking me where her dad is all the time.
[ That is regret in her voice. If she could go back, she might have done things differently. She might have told Sarada the truth sooner. She might have insisted he come home when he could. Knowing that she was doing what she thought was right at the time... isn't much consolation.
She listens quietly as Naruto continues. It does make sense, in a way she hadn't considered. Eventually, she lays her hand over his. ]
I don't think you ever told me about your mother.
[ This is a little bit of a lie. He has in her time. It's just that this one hasn't. There's an implicit invitation there. ]